There’s a void that needs to be noted.

The space where my creativity nourished,

is now buried in a box of long past gone lovers.

Clinging to a crippled paper,

hoping that…

dreams can straighten and recover.

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I Bid Farewell To The Exile Kings.

I bid farewell to the Exile Kings:
the street warriors, the broken hearted lovers,
the silent activist, the bloodless brothers.
Y’all go by many names, but will forever remain my drunkn’ friends.

In a small boat I sailed alone and astray with time’s current steering my vessel.
The sea is unforgiving in its own way, suffocating the heart with uncertainty
and drowning the mind with whispers from the Devil.
Despite its cruel intentions, I owe the sea and time for these past memories.

We found each other as outcast do by shipwrecking into one another’s boat.
We took the remains of our wreckage and united our ship, building a crew steadily as we went.
Everyone spilled blood around a table soaked in beer within a fog formed by cigarette smoke
Our philosophy and speeches won’t be found in any textbook but in a book.

I never been good at saying bye, but I never been good at saying hi.
Stay true to you and never give up on your dreams, I write you this to remember me by.

Dear June,

Dear June,
I’ve completely shut all senses.
My body in reality ignoring responsibilities
My mind in limbo till late noon.
I’ve turned to new substances,
harder deadlier substances to reawaken the consciousness,
leaving track marks on the skin.

Leave of Absence.

It’s been 2 months since I’ve posted anything. April and May have not been kind to this idle dreamer. Work left me drained. My imagination and passion were lost in the long hours of labor. Every second tick was a stab towards my fantasy filled brain, and I felt the color and wonder slowly leak. I wanted to patch the holes, and store the ooze of my leaking world in a jar by writing it all down before it disappeared, but my body was too tired to move. Everything was lost and my brain has flat lined.

Now I’m here salvaging the remains of a lost world.


Part 1: Lost and Found

A lot has happen, and a lot of nothing happen as well. Where to start…

On April 7, I blacked out for the first time. It was National Beer Day, so naturally my friends and I went out to drink. One thing leads to another on nights like that, nights where alcohol is involved and a large group of friends you haven’t seen since high school gather, things just happen and there is not explanation. With alcohol rationale is throw out the window and you are whoever you want to be that night.

So I can’t quite explain how or why I decide to take a Xanax bar. To be honest, I don’t remember being offered or even taking it. That detail does no exist in my memory bank, but I was told that it was something that happen. That is all I can tell you. I closed my eyes at the bar and ended up in my room when I reopened them. Somewhere between that process was a car crash.

I spent the next few weeks recovering both my mind and body, and piecing together the the events of that night. I didn’t read. I didn’t write. I didn’t think about writing. April never existed, I spent those few weeks in a walking comma.

***

May came around and I started evaluating my life. Where I was going. What I was doing. What I wanted to do.

I did that for maybe two days and escaped the issue by sitting down, watching anime, and playing video games. It became a routine; I would get home, go to my room, and watch anime or play something for countless hours. It was a habit that I hadn’t done in a long time.

I was a hikikomori in my own way.

I wasn’t working towards anything. I didn’t want to do anything but stay home. The pen and paper slowly collected dust and I was accepting the idea of a… bland life.

I’m not sure what it was (it might have been while watching Tokyo Ghoul, and seeing one of the characters trying to apply for college), but I got the guts to apply at a University. Despite saying I was done with college.

I felt my chances to get in were slim, but I wanted to try anyway. I wanted to work towards something and look forward for something, so I applied for the journalism program at University of North Texas.

The wait has been harrowing. I wanted to know the results immediately to know what I would be doing for the next coming year.

I waited…

and waited…

…and waited

for what felt like months.

The result finally came in.

Congratulations, Jesse! You’re in!

Batman v Superman.

      So on Tuesday, despite the quarreling reviews, I went to go see Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (mouthful of a title). To give a very short review in a few sentences: It’s entertaining, not a masterpiece or revolutionary, but I don’t think it deserves a 29 on Rotten Tomatoes. It’s sort of what I expected when I watch any other blockbuster superhero film.

      It was strange though. At the end of the film, when my friends and I were discussing the film on the drive back home, I couldn’t help but think I watched it differently from them. One friend said he enjoyed it, and would probably watch it again. The other friend felt the opposite and was nitpicking small but yet notable details. When it came to my opinion the only thing I could, or perhaps wanted to, talk about was the philosophical and political questions that were touch upon in the film.

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      You see for me I’ve seen superheroes duke it out in movies, comics, and videogames; and I most likely will see them duke it out again in May. So it could be that I’ve smoked the shit of the superhero crack pipe since 2000, and now the effects of it have been diluted. I crave a different sort of high to stimulate the mind. Batman v Superman almost did that, as a superhero movie.

      If you were to ask me how would I fix the film I would say change it to a political drama featuring superheroes.

watch-the-final-batman-v-superman-dawn-of-justice-trailer-now-835757      The first half of the film is just that, and it is the most interesting bit. You have people asking Superman to stand trial and face the consequences of his doings, asking the government to limit his power. You have Batman, a mere mortal, afraid of losing power, afraid of not being in control, which sends him out on this mission to prove to himself that he is not powerless as he was when he was a child. Lex, the villain, tries to find imperfection in what others believe is perfect, “God takes sides! No man in the sky intervened when I was a boy to deliver me from daddy’s fist and abominations. I figured out way back if God is all-powerful, He cannot be all good. And if He is all good, then He cannot be all-powerful.”
The film questions the idea if someone should be worshipped if they also hurt the innocent? Should a god abide to human laws? Who should be held accountable for the casualties and destruction when the battle is all over?

      You can see these questions and themes developing in the film, but they just blow it up in the end. As if to say, “get your politics out of my comic book movie,” because to create a film that questions the morals and beliefs of the audience can only result in a bore-fest. And Hollywood refuses to make something that won’t cash in, so just throw it in the trash and watch superheroes fight it out for the 100th time.

Question: What did you think of the film? Did you like? Did you hate it?

3/26

I’ve been trying to write this post since Saturday!

      I had made plans to do a write up of my Saturday and talk about all the interesting things I heard, saw, and did, but that same night I went out with my friends and got a little drunk. Then I thought about doing it on Sunday after I got off work, but, the moment I got off of work, I took an hour nap, woke up, listened to music, watched TV for a bit, and then went back to bed.

      Now, I’m trying to figure what all I wanted to sat about my Saturday, this morning, but I honestly don’t remember. Which has resulted in me making a list commandments for writing. The first one: Never hold off on writing because if you do the moment fades.

      That’s the only one I have written down for now. I’m sure the list will develop over the year… if I don’t forget to write it down.

      I can’t complain too much. Instead of writing about my Saturday on Sunday, I did, however, worked on my short story. So it wasn’t a total waste of time.

IMG_3570      But yes, back to the subject at hand, Saturday. On Saturday my mother, siblings, and I drove down to Ennis, Texas for an annual family cookout at my tío’s ranch. Maybe it was the fact that I was out of the city, but I felt free like the cloud of smog that carried my worries stopped hovering over me, and was left behind in the city.

The kids ran in the open field, smashing eggs over each others heads (we decided to celebrate Easter early). The wind gently breezed through slightly shifting my hair handsomely. The sun, set high in the sky, radiated enough light for what felt like a perfect 70°.

      I casually sat and overheard many conversations. Conversations about lost time, lost people, and lost memories. However, the one that caught my ear was the one about the border from Laredo to Nuevo Laredo.

 IMG_1664     I walked in mid sentence. Once the sun goes down the place is a ghost town, he said, it’s not what it use to be (how was it before, I wonder). People are scarred they run into their homes, lock their doors, and close their window curtains. I already knew who he was talking about, so much so that I started to feel sick to my stomach. ¿Y la policia? No hombre ¿Que pinche policia? None of the police get paid enough to risk their life or dare to stop them. Especially, when they get well-paid by them. He talked about “them” for a while. Them… a nameless parasite sucking the sweet nectar out of life. If you’re not from Mexico they can smell it on you, he said, and if they get you… forget about it. He talked about how long it takes to cross the border now. A process that use to take less then a hour now takes 4. He kept rambling about how ugly it has gotten and how worse it’s going to get, but at the end of it all, just as he was done beating the subject to a bloody pulp with a bat, he added, but the nights there are amazing. Everybody is alive, and there is nothing like it. He then got up and left, to get food I assume, and I stayed sitting, the wind tenderly playing with my curls, thinking about the many wonderful sights I would see when I finally travel down south across the border.